The Southern Deuce Report

The morning's transaction started off well enough. The initial burst to overcome bowel inertia was a nice smooth transition from gas to solid, much like perfectly shifting gears while driving, but then, in the middle of a healthy deposit, somebody walks through the squeaky bathroom door, and the utopia is gone. The sudden jolt of noise in the middle of complete relaxation causes the body to tense. And when the body goes tense, the turd is pinched. And pinched too soon. So there I was, in the middle of the perfect poop, and all of a sudden, I go from perfect to annoying. Because as we all know, when the pinching process takes place too soon it causes a smear action. The rest of the dropping still went smooth and gave the allusion of a clean break, but I knew better than that. And as I expected, it went from the perfect poop to the morning of a hundred wipes. It's times like these where I miss my box of wet wipes I used in college to ensure a clean feeling. If it's good enough for someone who can't talk or do anything on their own, why isn't it good for the rest of us. But that discussion is for another day, because today has just become an uncomfortable one, that is, until I'm able to shower of course.