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Thanks Peyton

A little advice from possibly the best quarterback ever...Thanks for the talk Peyton

Carl Says Goodbye to Joe

Another Muckin Funday

Today's post is later today due to it being Monday. For a recap, in case you missed it, Illinois beat #1 in the country Ohio State. I celebrated the Illini shitting on the Buckeyes by doing just that. I must have pooped a total of 8 times on Sunday. And this is without diaherreah like symptoms, it was fairly solid throughout. The most impressive one took place at the Assembly Hall, about 3 minutes into the 2nd half of the basketball game. It exited the body quickly and got me kind of excited, because it felt like my favorite type of shit; the day-after-beer popcorn shrimp shit. Much to my dismay though, there were no shrimp, just some rank semi-solid oddly shaped turds. I was happy to see, during my 10 minute or so trip to the Assembly Hall stall, they broadcast the radio coverage of the game in the bathroom, so I was able to keep track of the game while making a deposit. And a tip to all of you budding beer drinkers: If your getting up fairly early from a night of drinking, make sure the first thing you put into your body after waking is beer. It's like a cup of coffee, but tastes so much better.

Much to my surprise, I did in fact have to poop today after emptying myself Yesterday, but it was nothing special.

How exciting, the Niners are on MNF. Too bad they blow this year. At least Prison Break is on.

Have the Bulls traded for Kobe yet? And while we are on the subject of great Chicago basketball players, MJ's son actually got a few minutes of playing time, and did nothing to embarrass himself.

Friday

It's Friday. The work week will soon be over, and the fun will begin. The Bulls actually won last night, so they were able to get at least one win before the Circus comes to town. Tyrus Thomas is still flirting with the idea of becoming a beast. And I still want Kobe. While pooping today I was thinking, a thought that I have wondered for awhile now, how did the pig corner the breakfast meat market? Bacon, Sausage, & Ham, the three main breakfast meats. I guess you could argue that the cow produces dairy products, such as milk and cheese, and the Chicken delivers the much needed egg, but those are just byproducts. This is why I could never be Jewish or Islamic, and why those religions can't be right. The pig is the most universally eaten animal. Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner, all can be supplied from one animal. And it's delicious. What can you add to pretty much any sandwich to increase its deliciousness? Yeah, BACON. If God really didn't want us to eat any pork, because it's a dirty animal, why did he make it so frickin' yummy? The answer...eat pork.

Moving on the the weekend's forecast. Illinois plays OSU tomorrow at 2:30 on ABC. I could care less if they win. The fact that I can actually, realistically, hope they win, plus the fact that they are already guaranteed a bowl game, plus the fact that I can watch the game and it's not on the gay Big Ten Network, gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. I think it's going to be a close game and they have a chance to pull off an upset. Will I lose sleep if they lose, no. Will I drink like it's the superbowl if they win, yes. And then on Sunday I will be going to the Illinois basketball game where they will play a team that they might actually beat. So I will be able to say that I was in attendance for 1 of the few Illini Basketball victories this year.

As far as the NFL goes Sunday, not sure who the Bears play, but they will probably lose. They suck this year. My Niners suck this year. And the Pats are probably going to make me hate the state of Massachusetts even more than I already do when they win the Superbowl. The only thing I have to look forward to for the rest of the season is the MNF game in Minneapolis that I"m going to, to probably watch Adrian Peterson set a new rushing record, but I will have enough booze in me to help ease the pain. That and the SB. Party in the Chi again this year Braunski?

To wrap it all up, a few man rules that I have stolen from various Internet sources to remember for the rest of the year:

- Under No circumstance should two men share an umbrella
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or slice of pizza, but not both
- Moaning about the brand of free beer in the fridge is forbidden. Temperature complaints are acceptable
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed by his buddies
- Lastly, never should a man ever use "LOL" for anything. It is just as easy to type haha. LOL is as gay as Halsted in Chicago.

Keep it real this weekend, and if anything exciting or funny happens, let us know and we'll give you some print.

The Northern Daily Deuce Sports Report

"Time for your Northern Daily Deuce Sports Report brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin...shit if John Madden says it works, you know it does."

After a lengthy day hold out #2 finally showed up to work today. He looked a little soft and looked quite dark as if he was on vacation during his holdout. After a few anal muscle contractions #2 was spent, having nothing left to give. Hopefully, in the next couple of days #2 will firm up and be back in shape.

This was DJ Braunski reppin' the Northern Daily Deuce !"

The Southern Deuce Report

After losing sleep last night, like a 16 yr old girl who's missed her period, my poop hiatus is now over. It was all there, from bellowing moose mating calls to clean-break picture-perfect turds, a wonderful experience. It's rare that I go a day without my special alone time, so it was frustrating. But now it would appear that all is well, and the daily reports can resume.

An Introduction to our soon-to-be 3rd author...

close enough anyway...

Everyone needs at least one friend like this...

Hopefully you too have a friend who likes to drink until the point of physical exhaustion.

I throw this out there because we aren't thankful enough for the things that we do have.

Keep it real T.O. & I think Braun just went to go get the beer bong...

"Cry Baby Bitches !" A poem about Cardinal fans

I sit and weep because I care
I sit and weep because it's not fair

I sit and weep because of the lack of gold gloves
I sit and weep because Pujols, Molina, and Rolen get no love

I sit and weep because Derrek Lee won
I sit and weep because Jim Edmunds is over the hill and done

I sit and weep because Wrigley Field is the better park
I sit and weep because all we have is a stupid Arch

I sit and weep because of Jason Marquis
I sit and weep because we gave him away for free

I sit and weep because of Ted Lilly
I sit and weep because he almost had more wins than our numbers 2 and 3

I sit and weep because of Sweet Lou
I sit and weep because of what he can do

I sit and weep because of Walt
I sit and weep because it wasn't his fault

I sit and weep because I can
I sit and weep because I am a CARDINALS FAN !!!

2007 Gold Gloves

It's that time of year to start bickering about baseball awards and who gotted robbed. Obviously being a Cardinals Fan, I'll start in the NL, because honestly, I don't follow the AL. P. - Greg Maddux: Once he retires who are they going to give it to?
C. - Russell Martin: Here's the first beef. Y. Molina had a better defensive year and is a better defensive player(best catcher in the game right now). I guess I can see him losing some votes because he missed some games, but due to the fact that his stellar year last year(defense remember) was somehow not good enough to beat out Brad Ausmus, he should have got it this year. He did throw out more runners than were safe.(54% of runners).
1B. - Derrek Lee: Beef #2. Pujols won the Gold Glove last year. Played more games. Had fewer errors. In fact, the only category that was lower than D. Lee was errors, which is a good thing. The argument ends there. He should have won it.
2B. - Orlando Hudson: Probably should have gone to Brandon Phillips. He played more games. Had less Errors and had a pretty good overall year.
3B. - David Wright: Beef #3. Rolen fell into the same category as Molina as far as missing games. He is the best Def. 3B in the game, however, if not of all time. That being said, if he didn't play enough games to get the award then it should have gone to Either G Atkins of the Rockies or P Feliz of the Giants. I would have given it to Atkins since no one from the best fielding team ever(they broke the record for highest fielding % as a team) won a Gold Glove, which just seems odd. Plus David Wright isn't as good as Atkins or Rolen. And he's from one of the worst two states in the U.S.(NY & Mass.)
SS. - Jimmy Rollins: T. Tulowitzke could have a legit beef, but J-Roll had a good enough year to get the award.
OF. - Too many people to choose from so I won't even bother going over this Position.

Like I said earlier, I don't really follow the AL enough to care who wins over there, cause if you ask me, Baseball is 9 vs. 9 not 10 vs. 10...There are 9 positions not 10.

To sum everything up; The AL might win everything, but they also spend the most money and ruin the game with the DH, so it sucks. And they should change the Gold Glove choosing process. Instead of voting they should make it a mathematical calculation like the BCS. Take in all the stats and give them a numerical value. subtract for games missed, and somehow make a calculation to cover clutch plays and difficult plays, and add it all up to get a number. The fielding version of the OPS or whatever it's called. They could still vote, but the voting would be part of the equation and the numbers would be the other part. I think less people would have a complaint if they switched to something like this instead of just voting, where big city bias can't help but be involved.

TV

I have come to the conclusion over the past year and a half that DVR is the best invention ever. If I had to choose between sliced bread and DVR...DVR. Between air conditioning and DVR...DVR. Between running water and DVR...close call, but I'd still take DVR. Even when I'm home in time to watch my favorite shows I will wait 10-20 minutes. That way I can fast forward through the commercials. Speaking of favorite shows...The Monday show dejour is most definitely Prison Break. Season One didn't really draw me in. Watched a few episodes, found it entertaining, but not worthy of weekly homage(this was during college and had I had DVR it might have been a different story, but nonetheless). Season Two, my first year of DVR experience, was one of the first shows to start in the Fall last year. I was still sort of recovering from my experience with death a few months prior, so TV time was at a max. I noticed that the second season was starting so I tuned in. I haven't missed an episode yet. It is truly up there with the likes of 24, Smallville, & Criminal Minds. Just like 24, it is a running story and leaves you hanging, like a friday soap opera cliffhanger, every week. Smallville and Criminal Minds are great(seen every episode of both:Smallville for, i forget, 6 or 7 seasons maybe & Criminal Minds is in its 3rd I believe) but you could afford to miss an episode or so and not be lost. There are so many story lines and back stories associated with Prison Break that it is truly a Man's Soap Opera. Don't worry though, I won't ruin anything for those of you who aren't up to date...it's tempting, especially for certain people who are a season behind in Smallville, but I won't ruin it for anyone. There is one rule for DVR though. You do not record sporting events, especially playoff games. The only exceptions to this rule is if you were in attendance at the game and want to see if you made it on tv, and if it's a contest instead of a game, i.e. the Home Run Derby. You will hear who wins the game. You will see who wins the game on ESPN. And you can read/watch/listen to any highlights or expert takes on the game. If you just aren't able to catch the game live, tough...pausing the game to use the bathroom or tend to nagging does not count as recording the game...

The Southern Deuce Report

The morning's transaction started off well enough. The initial burst to overcome bowel inertia was a nice smooth transition from gas to solid, much like perfectly shifting gears while driving, but then, in the middle of a healthy deposit, somebody walks through the squeaky bathroom door, and the utopia is gone. The sudden jolt of noise in the middle of complete relaxation causes the body to tense. And when the body goes tense, the turd is pinched. And pinched too soon. So there I was, in the middle of the perfect poop, and all of a sudden, I go from perfect to annoying. Because as we all know, when the pinching process takes place too soon it causes a smear action. The rest of the dropping still went smooth and gave the allusion of a clean break, but I knew better than that. And as I expected, it went from the perfect poop to the morning of a hundred wipes. It's times like these where I miss my box of wet wipes I used in college to ensure a clean feeling. If it's good enough for someone who can't talk or do anything on their own, why isn't it good for the rest of us. But that discussion is for another day, because today has just become an uncomfortable one, that is, until I'm able to shower of course.

Jimmy John's Conspiracy?

Is there a conspiracy at Jimmy John's? What exactly do they put in their sweet bread? Judging from the sudden trip to bathroom, I'd say a new tasteless Jalapeno. Finished my #11 sandwich at approx. 1:20 p.m. and by 1:40 I had to rush to the bathroom for spurt that reminded me the morning after drinking tequila. So after rushing to the handicap stall, for the extra room and something to hold on to, I experienced what might be a new phenomenon; The Jimmy John's shits. Making matters worse, I shaved my head this weekend, as an act of Tom Brady defiance(see his post game interviews), so the lack of hair to soak up the sweat caused me to become dripping wet with sweat. Back to the tasteless Jalapeno in the bread: I say this because it felt like Satan burped through my anus. Very reminiscent of the time I chugged the salsa container, after adding habanero sauce, at the Mexican restaurant, on a $10 bet. Regardless, people poop enough after Jimmy John's, since it's usually consumed late at night after boozing, there is no need for them to induce bowel movements in the absence of alcohol. If this happens to you let me know, and we will alert the media, so the world will know of the Jimmy John's diarrhea conspiracy.

Oh what a night

So what happens when you start drinking at 11 am in preparation for the biggest football game of the year? Great question, I don't remember. I hit the sauce hard yesterday and I am paying for it today. I had to spend the night over at a friends because I was pass-out wasted. Well, to be honest with you, I was too shit-faced to find/look for my keys (which is a very good thing). I consumed roughly 20-25 beers and 5+ shots of random Polish concoctions, aka FUCKIN' POISON ! I woke up this morning after my nap at 6:30 to my friend getting ready to go to work. We work together so it would seem logical to get up and get ready to go. I said, FUCK THAT and went back to sleep and woke up at 7:45 (I start at 8:30) to prepare for my 1 hour + drive. Since I was feeling like shit and was still wasted I forgot about all things hygienic. I skipped the shower (I didn't shower Sunday either, so I smell like burnt pubs), I forgot my toothbrush in the car so I put the toothpaste on the finger (who hasn't done that?), and didn't go to the bathroom (foreshadowing). So as I was driving I realized that I was not in the mood to deal with anything, so I called my buddy and told him I wasn't coming in because of the reasons listed above. He wasn't having any of this and made me come to work. So I was driving on the highway and traffic was surprisingly light. As I was driving I had this sharp pain in my stomach and all I can compare it to was getting stabbed by a butter knife (don't ask how I know how that feels). It was...the BEER SHITS !! I was zipping around cars like I was 16 years old again. I pulled into the Burger King (has nicer bathrooms that most McD's because less people go there) and ran into stall. I barely had time to pull my pants down before the exposition occurred. It was the standard I-drank-too-much-and-now-I-have-diarrhea shit. With the furry of 10 thousand fat chicks going after the last chocolate covered, peanut butter, fudge brownie the turds hit the water causing the splash-back to wet my ass as if I just ran a marathon. Once the storm had settled I was sitting on the bowl left with no energy to wipe my ass I made the decision to not wipe and just go...Are you kidding me? Of course I didn't do that. I still had some of the water that splashed on my ass and tell you the truth I am glad it did because it made the wiping process a lot more smooth. As I picked up my pants and began to head out I felt obliged to buy something considering I just lit up the bathroom. So I got myself 2 ham and cheese samwitches with some hash browns. I must say, I like BK breakfast more than any other fast food breakfast. (That should be a survey) So as I walked out a brand new man I realized that I had to shit again. I walked gingerly back into the BK and released some more of the demons. Needless to say, I am at work and I have taken 2 more shits here, I am leaving early because I cant take this shit (pun intended). Did the Patriots win? This was the Braunski and I'm peacin' out ! L8r Nugz !

The Southern Deuce Report

What are two things that the movie 300 and this morning's Deuce have in common? The answer: An ugly brown hump-back looking thing & a lot of blood. It was definitely not a smooth commute this morning on the hershey highway & there were some injuries reported. The driver blamed for the incident is said to be of Italian decent, and smelled like garlic.

Monday Morning Update

Good Monday to everyone. Lets try for a recap of this weekend. In sports news: The Bulls are now 0-3 due to an inept offense...hold a team under 80 and still lose? (Love Pax, but he needs to pull the Kobe deal off, sooner than later) The Bears had a bye week, good news, guaranteed they won't lose. And the Illini did what they were supposed to do and dominated Minnesota. Why is it that Mike Hart is still getting listed as a possible Heisman winner, but Rashard Mendenhall gets nothing. As of last week he had more yards in less carries and more total tds. Not saying he should win it, but having a better year than Hart is. Haven't checked into it yet this week, so hopefully Hart's name is off the list now with the time he has missed, but with a good game against OSU, Mendenhall should at least get to go to New York to watch the ceremony. THIS JUST IN...my new most hated team is the Patriots. Most hated player is Tom Brady. Most hated Coach is Bill Bellicheck(or however the homo spells it). The Cubs, Aramis Ramirez, and Dusty Baker; you had a good run at the top of my list, but your top spots have now been taken over. Did anyone see cry-baby Tom Brady's hair during the post game interviews? I know they are good, there's no denying that, but I just hate them. They will have first class tickets on my plane that crashes. As will the entire Boston Red Sox team and the Yankees, even though I have come to hate the Red Sox so much that I don't hate the Yankees nearly as much as I used to, in fact, I'm rather neutral towards them for now. Just got back from Hawaii recently and it made me think...Hawaii seems to do well off on it's own, not connected to anything, would it be possible to disconnect the state of Massachusetts from the continental U.S. and make it its own island, so us rational Midwesterners could live in peace. Actually, how bout we disconnect Massachusetts & New York. That would really spice up the rivalries. State vs. State. Island vs. Island....Just a thought...I don't even remember what else went on this weekend now that I'm full of rage...I just want Kobe in Chicago to ease my troubled mind.

The Southern Deuce Report

Today's Southern Report is brought to you courtesy of Buffalo, NY...or whoever invented Buffalo Chicken...much like the chicken in Rocky, today's deuce was short and quick. While it didn't take as long as it took Rocky to catch the actual chicken, it packed the punch of a Sylvester right hook. The cleanup crews had no problem in the storm's aftermath...This has been your daily Southern Deuce Report.

National Health care

I guess I can throw a somewhat-serious thought out there...For all of you out there who are jumping on the National Health care train being led by all of the democrats, hold on a second. Does something need to be done with health care to make things better? Yes. Is the answer a National Health care program? No. Hell No. Why is America the place to come for health care? Because we don't have a plan like Canada or Europe. There is capitalism and competition that drives our health care providers to offer the best possible service. People complain now about how long it takes to get in and see the doctor or at the emergency room. Imagine if you had to wait months instead of hours. What do people complain about the most in America? Government ran programs. So now Hillary Clinton, and all the other Libs, want to sell everybody this Government ran National Health care program. It is simply a tactic to get votes. What do people hear? Free Health care, awesome! What's the reality? The people who can afford it are going to use private health care so they don't have to deal with a 6 month waiting period...aka...whoever is trying to push a National Health care Bill will not be using the service, but paying for private health care in order to get the level of care that is now available. We have the best Hospitals and Doctors now. The last thing we need is to force them to work for the government. If you can't tell, I am a conservative...not a die hard conservative, I believe in some things that most conservatives do not(legalizing marijuana & prostitution to tax the hell out of them and clean them up) but I believe in the basis of being a conservative, capitalism is what makes America great, not Socialism. And that is what all of these Liberals are pushing. They want more government ran programs and more taxes. Who benefits from these programs? The government and a lot of people who's lives consist of mooching off of the government and expect people to hand stuff to them without doing anything just because they got knocked up and are poor and aren't doing anything about it. Personally, I don't want the government running my life. I'll pay taxes to help run this great country, but I'd like to help those who really need it, not those who just feel sorry for themselves and can't do anything to better themselves. Check out my man Rush at http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/ if you can get past the ego & eccentrics and pay attention to what he is saying, you'd be naive to say he is wrong more than right.

Question of Infamy

An often discussed question between the Kings...Were Hillary Clinton(please God, no) or Barrack Obama(i think that's how he spells it) elected president, would you sacrifice your life as you know it to go down in infamy as the man who assasinated the first woman/black president of the United States? While I enjoy life and would have a hard time throwing it all away, it is tempting to think of your name forever being in history books. Who assasinated Lincoln...John Wilkes Booth. Who assasinated Kennedy...Lee Harvey Oswalt(allegedley). As long as I changed my middle name to something a little more catching, I could go down in history. The FBI is probably looking into my life as we speak, so I guess i better mention that I would in fact never do such a thing, I am merely stating the thought of your name being known, by the part of the world that matters(the U.S.) for ever is very tempting. I just enjoy boozin' it up too much to throw my alcoholic future away for infamy...